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Has someone ever told you to deal with something by thinking of someone who has it worse than you? Have you ever felt that your pain, anguish, heartache is unwarranted because it’s not as bad as someone else’s? Has someone made you feel that way? Have you ever been frustrated because someone/everyone expected you to have recovered from whatever it is that you are coming to terms with and you haven’t? On the flip side, have you ever been excited to share your story of tragedy because you knew it was worse than any story anyone else had? Whatever side you find yourself on, do you recognize that it’s a losing side?
I think we have all experienced all of these things, maybe more! And at the very least definitely something similar. Do you know the common thread to these disastrous and devastating 
encounters? The concept of a “someone else,” a “comparison,” or an “expectation.” I want to share seven things that have helped me recognize when I’m on the losing side and how to move to a more productive side, even when when I’m suffering a loss or sadness.
#1: My Challenges are Mine and Your Challenges are Your’s
One thing about our challenges is they are uniquely our own. Your challenges are your’s and my challenges are mine. For whatever reason we are each facing our own unique set of trials, challenges, illness, heartache/break, sadness or catastrophe. The sooner we accept the fact that each of us have our own individual unique challenges the easier it is to move forward in life.
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#2: Don’t be Deflated or Inflated by Comparing to Others
We need to believe we are not better or worse because our challenges are harder or easier than someone else’s. We need to be careful to recognize everyone is on this journey called life. Our experiences on this path will be different. How we deal with these experiences will vary. But we need to celebrate the fact that we are sharing the path with others. Something that has stuck with me is the idea that one man’s accomplishments in no way lessens the accomplishments of another. And likewise, one man’s heartache in no way lessens the validity of another man’s heartache. We each write our own story and as soon as we can embrace our own story, as well as embrace someone else’s story, the better off we all are.
#3: Heartache Lasts, and It’s Okay
I am part of a wonderful community that reaches out to each other in times of crisis, heartache and challenge. People bring meals, babysit children, wash and fold laundry, clean houses, visit when needed, make phone calls (did you know people still do that?).
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It’s a great community of love and compassion. The challenge comes when this influx of help and concern subside. After death, illness, surgery, divorce, or whatever the challenges maybe, the heartache and struggle often lasts beyond the week or two (or month or two) of meals and phone calls. And not to diminish the effort of those who are providing a great deal of service! It is appreciated! But that pain lasts. Heartache lasts beyond a week of lasagna. It takes time to learn to function in a new way of life. It will be hard. It may be hard for a while. And it’s okay.
#4: Find Your Place of Peace and Rejuvenation
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This is not an easy thing to do, especially in the middle of hardship. Finding your center, putting yourself in a place of peace, giving yourself an opportunity to rejuvenate, these are all things that strengthen us. Ideally you can learn how best to do this for yourself before your world falls apart. If you don’t know what you need to create solace and revitalization, try some things. Try being with people. Try being alone. Try being busy with a project that you enjoy. Try being still. Try talking to a friend. Try to meditate. Try lots of different things and all of a sudden you’ll look up and say, “Wow. That actually helped. I feel a little bit better.” Rely on these outlets to give yourself a breath of fresh air, a renewed spirit, and courage to go on.
#5: Serve Others
Getting outside of ourselves does a world of good. I would recommend not looking to serve
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someone in order to focus on someone worse off than you but to come out of ourselves and be the hands of God in lifting others. A simple one is writing a card and putting it in the mail. For me that provides a bit of a boost for a couple days: the day I write it and send it off, the next day thinking it’s in the mail and on it way, and the following day (or two) knowing that the recipient is going to receive it and when they do it’s going to provide a little surprise and hopefully a smile. I’ve sent cards anonymously and with and without a return address. At one particularly difficult medical time we took cookies to the doctor’s office we were frequenting. It didn’t change the outcome of the appointment, but it did lighten all of our hearts. Whatever you decide to do, do it. Do something for someone else and you will feel a lift to your spirits, and help cope a little bit with the trials you face at the moment.
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#6: Let Yourself Feel
Something that helps when dealing with challenges is to give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you are experiencing. Don’t avoid it or cloak it in something else like hunger or recklessness. Recognize you are feeling something in relation to your challenge, give it a name, let yourself relish in it, embrace it, give yourself permission to feel it again. And again. And again. Because chances are, you will. It is expected that you will feel anger, loneliness, overwhelmed, hurt, heartbroken, loss, sadness, doubt, pain, resentment, and a myriad of other emotions. When we keep ourselves from experiencing the emotions natural to our circumstance we end up with other issues that will typically bring more challenges. Emotions are natural! We have emotions for a reason! They can be ugly and painful, but they can help us heal, if we let ourselves feel them.
#7:There’s No Need to Explain It
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Two of the beauties of your challenges are first they are challenges, and second they are yours. Because of these two wonderful aspects you don’t have to explain why it’s difficult, why you feel the way you do, why you are still hurting, why you are still angry, why you are still weepy, why you still need more time. There is no need to justify it, or excuse it, or “move on” from it before you are ready. You do need to be careful not to allow these challenges to keep you away from your support system, others who will love and support you – and let you feel what you need to feel. Although there is no need to explain the why’s of it, don’t let it keep you from life and from opportunities and people who want to and will help you find peace and strength. It is what it is, and it is yours.
You may feel overwhelmed one day, fully functional the next, devastated for the next few days, moderately normal for half a day and then broken for the next week. All of that is normal, and there shouldn’t be the pressure to justify, explain or hurry through it. What challenges you have are yours. The challenges I have are mine. We each work through them at our own pace and not only is that expected, but needed and healthy. We can feel justified in our own process because it is our own. We can overcome the need to compare our challenges or our journey through our trials to another’s. I hope you have a system of support who will let you feel, experience and live through your challenges they way you need to.
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Support is out there. I hope you find it, feel it, are embraced by it. To feel that permission, growth, and love… now that is extraordinary in a very average, ordinary, everyday experience.
Use of these images does not indicate the artist has any affiliation with or participates in the promotion of this site or its contents. Any text or size editing has been done by averagejosie.com.
Title Image: Stacked in Stone, LadyDragonflyCC – >;< at flickr.com; Some rights reserved, see license for more information;
Image 1: Stairway to Heathens-HDR, Nicolas Raymond at freestock.ca; Some rights reserved, see license for more information;
Image 2: Apples & Oranges- They Don’t Compare, Michael Johnson at flickr.com; Some rights reserved, see license for more information;
Image 3: Broken Hearts Edit, fractured-fairytales at flickr.com; Some rights reserved, see license for more information;
Image 4: Prayer is the language, Leland Francisco at flickr.com; Some rights reserved, see license for more information;
Image 5: U.S. Mail, rachaelvoorhees at flickr.com; Some rights reserved, see license for more information;
Image 6: crying is okay here, sethoscope at flickr.com; Some rights reserved, see license for more information;
Image 7: forsaken, debaird at flickr.com; Some rights reserved, see license for more information;
Image 8: My Heart Is Hers, Sean McGarth at flickr.com; Some rights reserved, see license for more information;