In other words: How to embrace the ideal and love the average

Have you ever woken up in the morning, with the image of your ideal day playing before your eyes, only to have others in your home wake up and put the kibosh on your perfect day before it’s even started? I have. Just yesterday, and the day before that… and the day before that! It’s a continual struggle in my home, as a parent, as a spouse, as a sister, daughter, friend, really an all around struggle. We have expectations and when they are not met it can start to downward spiral fast. The problem that often happens in our home is that my expectations are not expressed clearly with the people who are involved and so the efforts are not made to meet my expectations. And even if they are, life just seems to happen!

Am I the only one?

I didn’t think so.

I attended a presentation given by Nicholeen Peck who has some great insights about dealing with the Expectation Trap that we all face in our lives. Nicholeen has wonderful resources about teaching ourselves and our children to self-govern and the rewards experienced in our homes and life when we implement self-government. I really recommend checking out her website and learning about what she has to offer.

In the workshop I attended she spoke specifically about getting stuck in the expectation trap versus having success even when expectations are not met. She said if we start our day with an ideal expectations we’ll end up with realistic outcomes, if we start with a realistic expectation we’ll end up with mediocre outcomes and frustration. It’s the same idea I heard from my roommate years ago that if we reach for the stars, we’ll end up with our feet brushing the treetops. If we reach for the treetops, we’ll end up with our face in the mud. That resonates with me a little too loudly. There have been many, many days where I feel like I’m dragging myself and my family through the mud.

One glaring problem: I have a hard time setting goals. Like, I don’t do it. I struggle to make changes, implement new routines, move forward with expectations because I am sure I will not be successful. I am fearful I’m going to fail. And the fact of the matter is, I will. And why shouldn’t I? It’s new! I’m learning! Change is tough and requires a lot of work! But that “proof I’m a failure” is too much to face sometimes. So ideals, expectations, goals, hope of change, go flying out the window –  and often with a sigh of relief.

But expectations are suppose to motivate, right? Ideals are something to strive for, aren’t they? So how is it that we can have expectations and ideals, and yet live, love and thrive in the average? Aren’t we just setting ourselves up for frustration, discouragement, and failure if we embrace an ideal?

I thought so too.

And then I heard the words I needed: Expectations lead to problems if security is rooted within that expectation.

Did you catch that?

Expectations are only problems if there is some sense of security rooted within that expectation. I expect my children to obey the first time because that will be evidence that I’m a good mom. I expect my home to be clean and organized because that will be evidence that I’m a good homemaker. I expect my husband to come home to a happy family, with dinner on the table waiting for him because that will be evidence that I’m a good wife. I expect to get up at 4:30am to exercise, cook, study, take care of my needs and start the laundry because that will be evidence that I have it all together, even if I was up late cleaning the kitchen because I’m “being a good homemaker” and up again to calm crying children “being a good mom”. And all this this evidence gives me the sense of security I need in fulfilling the many roles that are mine. Expectations that need to be met to give a sense of security are doomed for frustration. Expectations in a marriage, at work, in school, with a family, for yourself, in every aspect of everyday, lead to problems if some sense of security is rooted within.

Expectations and ideals are not bad. Sometimes they seem like they are, but they’re not. They give us direction, give us purpose, give us a goal. These expectations, these ideals must be a “picture of possibility” and not be based in “a sense of security”.

Let me walk you through part of Nicholeen’s expectation trap and her cycle of success. Both start with an expectation. Don’t cringe. Remember, expectations and ideals are not in and of themselves bad. Take a deep breath, it’s gets better.

The expectation trap begins with an expectation that, when fulfilled, will result in a sense of security. Next, of course, is that our plan to accomplish that expectation goes off course. We hit a wall, emergencies come up, vehicles breakdown, children are sick, husbands stay late at work, someone has a meltdown, we are called out of the home, and all of a sudden our plan to meet our expectation has been derailed.

Next is an emotional reaction. In the trap cycle the reaction is egocentric. We become discouraged, grumpy, mean, irritable, none of which do any good for others and only perpetuate our own frustration. Hey, I get it! This is me. The expectation trap is alive and well in my life and it is disheartening. Part of the trouble that comes from this response (and to outline the rest of this trap/cycle) is we then devalue others, seeing how they are not helping to meet our own expectations. We become impatient and start to isolate ourselves from others. This may happen by removing ourselves into isolation (escaping to a room, going for a long drive, losing ourselves in a book or entertainment), or pushing people away (by yelling, spewing hurtful words, being unpleasant and difficult, or any other behavior that creates an environment in which others do not want to be) to create isolation.

Once isolated our self-centered emotional response subsides we feel guilt for lashing out in frustration. The guilt here is actually a good thing. It’s an opportunity to reevaluate and refocus. In doing so we often reinvent our expectation and look forward with hope in accomplishing this new ideal. The problem comes when this new expectation is still founded on some security that comes when brought to fruition. But guess what! Expectations go off course. Remember what happens next? We have an egocentric emotional reaction, and thus begins the expectation trap again.

This cycle can happen over the course of a day, a week, a month. It can also happen over the course of a morning, an afternoon, an hour, a few minutes. Can you see it happen in your life? I see it in mine. Over and over!

Thanks heavens this isn’t the only option when expectations fail.

The cycle of success starts with an expectation as well, only this one is a “picture of possibility”. This expectation has no bearing on your worth, your meter of success, or your talents or abilities. This ideal does not bring you more security in your endeavors. It is simply something worth striving towards. No strings attached. Can you imagine? Nice, hu?

Even though the ideal is set appropriately, with the correct understanding of what the expectation is, and our security rooted elsewhere, it will go off course. It’s part of the unwritten rules of expectations. If it didn’t go off course it would be called reality. But it is an ideal, it does get derailed. Count on it.

Here we have another opportunity to make sure we stay out of the expectation trap and remain determined to go around and around in the success cycle. We have an emotional response, but instead of being egocentric, our response is solicitous. We look outside of ourselves to those around us with interest and concern. We reconnect, reinvest, and remind ourselves why we wanted to have these people working with us toward an ideal. Notice the difference in the response? When we focus inward on our disappointment and frustration, ideals become traps. When we focus outward ideals become opportunities for good and growth.

Again, at this point we reconnect with those around us, reinvent our ideal, and get everyone on board with the new plan. Once we have a new plan, move forward deliberately. Everyone on board and moving in the same direction gives us an opportunity to share love, praise and encouragement. The wonderful thing about these responses is it makes everyone feel better. I feel better about myself when I find opportunities to praise my children, and they feel better about themselves because they have been praised.

This cycle is simplistic in it’s approach, yet difficult in implementation. It’s hard to make changes, to adjust how we think and plan, to uproot our security from the realization of ideals and place it in something new. It’s tough. But not impossible. Expectations and ideals do not have to be ominous and unattainable. They can have a place in our lives and our efforts in becoming extraordinary. I have to remember that my worth and value lie independently of the accomplishment of my expectations. Your worth does too! You have so much to offer, even if your expectations are not met and you haven’t even had breakfast. It’s okay. Your merit soars independent of your ideals, independent of the accomplishment, or failure, of those ideals. Your worth is fixed as immeasurable and the failure to meet or the success of reaching your expectations does not change that. Your worth is independent of your envisioned ideal. Aren’t you glad? With this in mind we can embrace an ideal and yet still love our average results. Ideals are to provide direction, hope, and purpose. They are to encourage, help us refocus, and let us know when we need to correct missteps. The truth is most aspects of real life are not the ideal and don’t meet our expectations. Most aspects of real life are ordinary, average, everyday kinds of things. And it’s okay! But hold on to your ideals. Keep them in your mind and heart. Embrace that possibility! These ideals keep us reaching higher, changing for the better, they spur us on to become greater than what we are now. And yet, what we are now, in our average everyday, less than ideal, doing what we can to keep it all together efforts, is remarkable in and of itself. And if we can figure out how to embrace our ideals and love, appreciate and respect our average- all at the same time, well that, my friend, is pretty extraordinary!

Image – Crossroads: Success or Failure, Chris Potter of ccPixs.com at ccPixs.com; Some rights reserved, see license for more information; Any text or size editing has been done by averagejosie.com. Use of this image does not indicate the artist has any affiliation with or participates in the promotion of this site or its contents.